More Fun

He's been stealing money from me- and buying flowers for someone who isn't me, his aunt, or his mother. On top of it all, he's facing another one of his fun psychotic breaks. If he wasn't clinically crazy this thing could be a whole lot easier. Then again, maybe telling myself that he wouldn't be doing all this to me if he wasn't sick would help too.
Spent half the day at the bank yesterday trying to sort all this out. Needed to start a new account, but just paid the property tax out of the old one and don't have time to pay it another time from a new account. But couldn't trust to leave the money in the account because he could take it, or some of it, and then the property tax check would bounce. So they let me use some nifty form that allows them to take that check out of my new account.
I got a new cell phone. Actually, I got a cell phone. I've never had one before. My parents added me to their account so it's only 10 dollars a month, and I can call them or anyone on our network any time and not use minutes. It's great because I've been spending a lot of time on line (so as not to be tempted to call him) and I'm spending more time driving alone after dark. Will be helpful for emergencies, as soon as I can figure out how to use the darn thing. At the moment, all I can seem to do is to call my grandmother. Will sit down with the instruction manual tonight and start my schooling in the wide world of cell phone use. If nothing else, need to change the annoying-as-hell ring tone. Why can't phones just ring? Why do they have to play some tinny and corny version of somebody's favorite song?

Tired.

One last project until I am done for the semester. Then a few weeks of bliss in which I will not have to worry about homework, grading, or reading a million books a week on topics I am only vaguely interested in.
My sleep schedule has gotten way off. I'm staying up late into the night and getting up later and later in the morning- this will have to be fixed. It's just that at the moment there is no reason for me to be getting up at 6:30 in the morning, thus no reason for me to try and fall asleep before midnight.
Haven't really felt like writing much lately. Everything has really been much of the same. Waiting, wondering, scrimping by on little cash.
Hopefully that process will hurry up and end soon.

I love dog stories in the news- this one made me laugh.
Things are a little less busy, a little less crazy, but there's still some sad white noise.
Hoping the next holidays are less depressing than Thanksgiving.

Hmmm...

Netflix didn't admit it, but I wouldn't be surprised. I often feel like Blockbuster online doesn't send out a new movie to me fast enough, and it seems to be more often when I'm watching movies faster. I usually blame it on the inadequacies of the postal service, however.
Personal life- that's still as shaky as jello in San Fran I'm sad to say. Ran into husband in public recently while he was with his too-close-for-my own taste female friend. Fun. Left me shaky and wondering once again if on top of everything else, he has been unfaithful.

Errr...

Yes, we don't use hard torture....
Hope everyone's day is going better than mine.
Have a happy Thanksgiving! Don't overeat, it is harder to take off the weight than to never gain it in the first place.

Rough Night

Things have been good on this month's scale- that is, on the scale of crying so hard I can't breathe to being just plain miserable- lately, but I did get a little down last night. I don't like the upbeat casual way he speaks to me over the phone, as if I'm some high school acquaintance that happened to run into him at the mall. I'm his wife, and he's creating a whole new life of his own in which he can cut me completely out and have no one to complain about him spending too much money or ignoring me to the point where I have to request that he spend one night a week with me.
I don't like this waiting. Personally, I think space is for people too chicken to just make that final break, but it's not like we were dating. We are married. We've been together almost nine years- pretty much the entirety of my adulthood (and his extended childhood, I might add....)That should mean something. Instead, while he's living it up on his own and ignoring me and our marriage completely I get to wait to see if he deems me worthy of his effort to work on the relationship.
There's so much more to complain about, to go into, but it's best left to something more private even than an anonymous blog.
This week is going to be hard. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And I don't even know when he's going to talk to me about something serious again. And his birthday is fairly soon-
Ugh. I wish that my life could be more about something other than him right now, but it's hard. With so much going on with work and school I don't have a lot of time left to do something other than make it through each day- which includes planning for a future that may or may not be with him, and to make sure the bills keep getting paid whether or not he can continue to contribute to our shared household expenses. On the other hand, if I wasn't as busy as I am, I'd probably have a harder time because I'd need to fill it with activities and people that would keep my mind off him. While this may be fairly self evident to anyone reading this, the problems with this option are rife. Most activities cost some money. There are a limited number of cheap or free things to do, especially once the sun sets. And since I haven't seen a dime from him this month, in fact he did his best to drain our joint account, I am unsure whether I will be able to afford both gasoline and 2 meals a day next month. So even cheap is a problem.
Well, here's to the hope that today will be better.

Sleepy

I have a lot of things to do tomorrow. But, lucky me, I finally get a day at home! After working or being in class for all but 3 days this semester (including weekends) I can take a day to rest- and finish all that homework I haven't had the time to do during the busy-ness.
Looking forward to not working weekends any more- just a few more weeks. If I can save enough money, I'd like to do so many things- take guitar lessons again, yoga, an obedience class for my doggy. Most important, I'd just like to not have to work every weekend!
I have no idea what's happening with the marriage. Trying not to think about it too much at this point. Have to get through the next couple of weeks first. I have a ton of papers and projects to finish by the end of the first week in December.
I broke down and turned the heat up a notch, despite the possibility of not being able to afford it. My house is now a toasty 54 degrees Fahrenheit, where it was previously a chilling 52 degrees. May not seem like a huge difference to you, but I sure can feel it.
Well, the sleepiness will convince me to sleep sometime soon. Probably no one's reading, but writing helps somewhat anyway. It feels nice to find words for things, classify them, write them down. It makes the pain more manageable somehow.

Life Sucks and Other Understatements

He was moving out this time last week when I was in class. I got home and found a message on the answering machine. No warning, he's just gone. And he's patting himself on the back for alienating his family and friends.
Things have been pretty rough. He wrote a lot of checks out of the joint account and hasn't contributed a red cent to any of the joint household bills for this month. His name is on the mortgage, too. And I don't make enough money to pay all the bills by myself. I will not get an extra job to pay for his new bachelor pad.
I've moved past the point where I have to sing showtunes in my head to keep from crying in public, but I'm still wallowing in pain.
Any logical person would have left him years ago. I've done so much for him, and his reaction is that he resents those choices of mine, telling me I should have only made choices for myself. I don't understand what his definition of marriage is- that we should have gone on leading separate lives under the same roof? I shouldn't have considered taking a second job to pay his bills and instead allowed us to sink into bankruptcy? I should have been able to sustain a romantic passion for him despite the fact that I had to beg to get him to spend one weekend night a week with me?
I wish I had a magic wand that could fix everything. Or that I had won the big lottery jackpot a little while ago. Instead I'm going to have to figure out how I can pay to heat my house to 54 degrees (Fahrenheit) while continuing to eat this winter. And get my house ready to sell so I can move in with my parents. I love my parents, but that's not exactly a fun option. I wish the pain would go away.

Homework, Argh!

In the last 44 hours I have read 3 books from cover to cover and read one chapter apiece out of 2 additional books. I will catch up this weekend if it kills me!
On the bonus side, I've been reading so much that I've had my fill and I'm actually looking forward a little to writing my papers that are due this week. Ah well. At least I'm not grading this weekend too.

Absence

It's been a busy couple of weeks. I haven't had much time to breathe, let alone blog. My animals were ill and had to have a very expensive trip to the vet. As a consequence of no longer being a whippersnapper and my body starting to fall apart I had to go to the doc and start on some physical therapy again. The doctor actually told me I could no longer expect to do certain things since I am "getting older." That was the first time someone had said that to me. I had definitely thought it before, but as I still have a little time before I am thirty and look much younger than I am, I didn't think I'd be hearing comments like that for quite some time. Ugh.
The work is relentless, but if I play my cards right, I will be done with a very time-consuming class project a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. That will be a HUGE help, as it will give me extra time to pick up the slack I've created by devoting so much time to it. And to start writing all those end-of-semester papers. I can't wait for winter break. I'm thinking me, bed, Brady Bunch for 8 hours or so.... No thinking, just vegitating under a warm blanket in front of the television's gentle glow.

Things are...

Interesting, I suppose. Busy still- it seems that the demands on my time are relentless. And on top of everything, my runner's knee is acting up again and I can't run off my steam. What a fun co-incidence. Now how do I fit in a doctor's appointment? Let alone, how on earth would I be able to fit in physical therapy?
He was pretty normal yesterday, but the day before we went out to dinner and I stared at him for over an hour. I tried to start a variety of conversations, using my teaching skills to create multi-layered questions that couldn't be answered by a yes or no, but he would mumble a word or two and we would return to silence. Or more truthfully, the noise in the pub around us. But we were quiet. I know some of this is related to his illness. Still, what does that mean, really? How do we fix our marriage when he won't talk to me six days out of seven?
I need to find my counselor's number. She's been back from vacation for a while now, and I finally pried a referral out of the cold dead hands of my insurance company. Seeing her again will help some, but there is only so much I can do alone to fix things. There is only so much effort left in my tired little psyche.

By Myself, Again

He's not home tonight and I don't know where he is. I hate this. He won't answer his cell phone and he won't call back. This is the third night he's been out this week, and none of them with me. So I sit at home, alone. You might tell me to go out, have fun, but it's really not an option. My dogs would never get outside or any attention if I came and went when I pleased like he does.
And he'll complain about a lack of physical affection. In the five minutes he's home and I'm awake. The intimacy of it all is just shocking.
Can't wait for the new Broken Social Scene album. This Tuesday- can't wait. You Forgot it in People is my favorite album. Hopefully this will be near as good. I really do buy too much music. I need a support group. Sometimes the music and the dogs are all that keep me going.

Creative

I haven't written anything non-schooly in a long time. Oooh, it would be fun to set up a long playlist for inspiring music and tap away at a storyline for a day. Some images have been haunting me as of late, kind of funny and sad at once. They'd work well in a story or a play or both.
Instead my writing must serve the man, and I continue to write endless scholarly book reviews and position papers with none of my characteristic spark or wit.
Looking forward to Serenity this weekend, and Veronica Mars' season opener tonight. Have class late tonight so I'm not sure when I will see either one yet. Due to a bad experience at a movie theatre on a Saturday night won't be going to the movies to see Whedon's latest this weekend either since I work during the day and refuse to go back to a crowded evening show. I can forgive someone who forgets to turn off his cell phone and it rings once- if he then turns it off. I can also forgive someone who might be expecting a genuinely important phone call, though even that person should use vibrate. But this joker answered his phone and had actual conversations. Four times, might I add. "Yeah man. I'm at the show. Yeah- we're watching Star Wars. It's okay."
Occaisionally when I get annoyed about these things the idea that I may be becoming crochety occurs to me- though in this instance I think that my annoyance was thoroughly earned.

In Progress

I have been at school full time since preschool. If that counts. I have not had a year off. After decades of being told that I am preparing for something, that I am in flux waiting to become I am tired of being at a crossroads.
I am interning this year at something that I will hopefully have a job in next year. I am enjoying it, to an extent. And I can't wait to draw a real paycheck, have a schedule that doesn't include working almost every weekend, and make enough money off of 1 job instead of balancing two or three. I don't know if I will be in that field forever, and I plan on continuing to learn once I do start working at a real job, but how nice it will be not to have homework, and to read the books I want to read because I want to read them, not because it is required.
Things are weird at home. He's not feeling well so he's talking even less than usual, which means he communicates through a vague series of animal-like grunts in the hour or two he's home, awake, and not physically connected to his computer. Hopefully the doc can do something for him, but the drugs don't always alleviate very quickly.
I miss my dog today too. More than usual. She got sick before I left for school and it made me want to stay home even more, though it doesn't take much for me to want to stay home. I have class and/or work every day of the week until Christmas, barring the two days around Thanksgiving and a couple of days during finals. I need a break.

Ten Things I Don't Miss About High School

1. Being obligated to see the people that have been mean to you since kindergarten on an almost daily basis. You know who you are, Sidwell!
2. Curfiews. Even though I'm almost always at home by eight p.m. these days.
3. Never really having a date. Seriously, in high school if you hadn't been out on a couple of dates one felt darn near defective.
4. Starting my day at 6 a.m. Though I guess I don't get up much later than that these days.
5. The month between fall play and musical.
6. The competition.
7. The classes. They were always just what I had to get through to do the afterschool stuff.
8. Seven classes and work and a social life- oops, I'm doing that right now.
9. Parental rules and lack of privacy.
10. Certain freshman with no respect for tradition who will remain nameless.

It's funny- the things you couldn't wait for- like a car and being able to stay out all night- seem so terribly pointless once you finally get them. I can stay out late, but I can't bounce back the next day any more. I can drive, but I have to maintain the car, pay for the gas and pay for the insurance. Some of the freedom is nice, but it's not the same kind of freedom.

Ten Things I Miss About High School

Don't worry, this will be directly be followed (if I have time tomorrow, it's my busiest day of the week) by a list of the things I don't miss. So first, this:
1. Being obligated by school attendance policies to see on a regular basis my group of friends who went to that school. It's much harder to keep up a friendship when you've got a busy life and little to no money available for discretionary spending unless class or work or church or something forces you to keep up with someone habitually.
2. The cookies in the cafeteria made with Godiva chocolate chips.
3. Putting on plays.
4. Not really having to worry about money much beyond paying for French fries at Steak 'n Shake or a movie.
5. To doubly cover number 1, my best friend from then, who for unnamed and mysterious reasons now refuses to speak to me. I still love her and pray for her happiness and hope some day she'll talk to me again.
6. Dances, on the off chance I actually had a date.
7. Summer breaks in which I didn't have to scramble for summer funding. Unlike in grad school.
8. The person that I was- in sophomore and junior years at least. I had more friends and new how to have fun still. It's been a long time since my biggest worries were about getting a good part or finding a boy who thought of me as more than a friend.
9. President's Day and Staff Development days... no school!
10. Snow days! These days class iand work are never cancelled and I still have to drive in the ice and the sleet!

Okay, if anyone is reading this is there something I haven't thought of that might fit? Some iconic experience that y'all could suggest while hardly knowing me? Comment if you think of something or wish to rip on my choices, but keep in mind tomorrow's list about hating high school. The items on this list are mostly in the order that they occurred to me, but the cookies seriously fit near the top of my list- probably after missing J.

Need a Vacation

I am taking on way too much this semester! Too much work, too much homework. Not even enough time to dream about that little Carribean island. Usually my problems are time but no money or money but no time- right now I feel it's neither time nor money.
I can't wait until I have weekends off, and a real job with real benefits.

The Calm

After he does or says something horrible it's usually stiff for a few days, and then as it passes further in to the past it gets more like normal. Which is to say, not great, but at least I don't have to concentrate to not break into tears every few minutes.
Every once in a while one of the things he said to me just breaks through me like a knife and punctures the semi-safety bubble that grows over time. I range between sadness and outrage. Everyone who knows anything about this wonders why I continue to put up with this.
Sometimes I don't know anymore.
Once, years ago, he used to make me very happy.

Long Night #5

My husband is trying to decide whether or not he wants to leave me. After all I have lost or given up because of him, after all the times he has hurt me he thinks he wants to leave.
Maybe that says it all.
I wish I could sleep.

First Time for Everything....

I've never really tried this before, am curious how it will work. I'm just sad. On a molecular level, or a quantum level perhaps. Not sure which one is smaller. Science is not my muse.
Don't know why I should make it public. Don't know who will read this, and am not disclosing my identity, but I really don't have anyone to tell. No one that I feel I wouldn't undeservedly burden. I could start another one of my famous computer or handwritten personal journals, but am afraid someone would snoop.
It's not just current events, and maybe only part of it is clinical, but I find I don't know how to be happy any more accept for in very small scattered moments that I try to clutch to me. I'd string them together and wear them around my neck like pearls if I could. Moments are a bit more slippery than pearls.
So, if anyone finds me in my little isolated corner of the Webiverse and knows what I mean, I feel for you.