Exhaustion and Grading

I didn't stay out too late last night, but I was up about 2 hours later than usual. Went to bed at 12:45 insead of 10:30. Since I usually get up at 5:30, those extra hours really took a lot out of me. Although I guess I really rather would have preferred to have been in the arms of a rather attractive man that I had been hanging out with earlier in the evening.

I still don't know whether or not this is a thing- whether it's a nascent friendship or possible romance. But do I wish it was a romance. He's gorgeous, and funny, frugal, and intelligent. And active. Of course, I have never been known to be a party girl and he is quite the man about town. All these low self esteem issues make me think I don't have much to offer in comparison to the much tighter asses of the undergrads he usually hangs out with.

There were a few times last night that I wanted him so much it felt like a cavity in my teeth. I haven't felt like that in a long time, and I don't remember ever feeling that way about my husband. Mainly because I knew when I wanted him, he was fairly accessible. It was all about when I wanted him. Now here I am, wondering about someone else and hoping to God that he's attracted to me while also telling myself constantly that even if he is, I need to take this really slowly.

Worthless husband and I started dating in high school. We had dated over two years by the time we had taken things to the next physical level. That worked for me then- I was a teenager, then a young twenty-something college student. And we were planning to be married, and we did get married. Which I don't regret- I think all of this would have turned out much differently if not for the schizophrenia. But the sz is there, and so is the situation. And I'm starting to deal with it all. I really am. This week was rough in the student teaching, but I am starting to feel much differently about the ending marriage.

I don't know how to play this dating game though, if we might be or be on the way to dating. It was different in high school and college, and seeing the same people in your dating pool day in or day out. Last week we had another plan to go to another event that was being held at the graduate school for this week, and now that it's over, I'm not sure when to call, or what to say, or when to try and get together again. The last two evenings were scheduled the way they were around events that we both wanted to go to, and probably would have gone to anyway but appreciated the company. And we made plans to meet beforehand each evening. He said we should get together again, but there aren't any such events on the calendar so there's no ready made plans. And in about 2 weeks he's going to be out of town for a little while. So I don't know if it would be pushing it to try to see him next weekend since he'll be out of town the next, or if I should wait until after he gets back from his trip in 3 weeks. I don't want to wait that long, but I don't know how the game really works, other than I should probably wait another couple of days before I contact him again.

I never thought I would be doing this. Other than being excruciating, it's kind of fun.

Don't worry about me dear readers, if you are out there. I am a very level headed and practical person, and I will not do anything rash. In fact, much of the time my biggest problem is that I don't take enough risks. The good kind, like risking that someone will say no when you're trying to ask them to do something with them in order to make new friends.

Cool music

I discovered Beulah about a year ago. I warmed up to them slowly, noticing over time as my launchcast radio station played that I rated more and more music by that band highly. Eventually, I downloaded one of their albums from emusic (a great independant download source that's legal and supports indie musicians) and looked up more information on the band.

I was sad to find out that they had broken up around the time I had started listening to them. I found that I still had several more of their albums to download and listen to and enjoy, but it was sad to know that the were over right as I had found them. Kind of like discovering a new (but dead) author that you enjoy immensely. The end of their oevre is well in sight and each song (or poem or novel) is more precious and painful because there is no new piece in the wings waiting to fill my hunger for new material.

So I'm rocking out to Beulah tonight and hoping that my favorite bands will last a long, long time.
If you haven't checked them out yet, I recommend you start with "The Coast is Never Clear."

Another Week

This has been a week. Class was tough- student teaching is hard. I was a people pleaser and a grade chaser when I was in high school, and most of my students don't have that motivation. It's hard to figure out how to get them to do the stuff they need to do to get the grades, to pass the class.

On the other hand, I went to a concert this week with an attractive male acquaintance (let's call him John). The concert was great, and I don't know exactly what's going on with the acquaintance but I'm happy enough just to make a new friend. I've spent so much time taking care of my husband and sacrificing for him, it will be nice for a change to have friends I can do things with, like my female friend- let's call her Becca.

I know that I'm not really in a good place for a more serious relationship, and friendships build slowly, but let's just say that I wouldn't be adverse to some slow building between myself and John. Who knows if he even feels that way himself- I have no radar whatsoever after being with the same man for a decade. But at least he wants to go out again this week. So I wasn't boring enough (as a future friend or otherwise) to not propose another outing....

Not to mention that during the evening's conversations, he talked fiscal responsibility. After all the second jobs and stealing I have encountered from my husband frugality really turns me on.

Yesterday when husband was over working on the house (I tried to be out most of the time he was here, but since he's not returning my phonecalls or emails about practical things such as money, the dogs, and the house I have to get him when I can) for about five minutes I thought that divorce couldn't be that bad after all he's put me through. That was the first time I've felt that way. Maybe things can move along to the upswing- I'm so tired of feeling sad, hurt, and rejected. I want to be young and carefree- at least one night a week. I've sacrificed myself and my happiness and youth for the last five years as I've dealt with a variety of avoidable and unavoidable tragedies- the two times husband lost his job, his diagnosis with schizophrena, his overspending problems, lots of things breaking in the house when I was working three jobs just to pay the NORMAL bills- I deserve to have fun once in a while.

Thursday night I had the best time I'd had in months. Maybe in over a year. I was out with an attractive guy, no matter what the meaning of that was, I was listening to a good band, I was jumping and dancing with the music and I was happy. Here's to finding that more often.

Alone

I haven't been writing as much. Partially because I have very little time while I'm student teaching, partially because I feel I'm writing pretty much the same things day after day. Rough day, busy, depressed, miss my husband who did me wrong. I feel like a country song- and I much prefer bluegrass.
This weekend I've managed to keep from sliding into the abyss of depression I usually sink into around 4 pm on Friday and can't manage to slip out of until sometime Monday or Tuesday. The depression this weekend was still there, but only skimming the surface.
Wish I had more time to spend with my dog. Wish that I was spending this weekend with my husband instead of by myself.
I'm still writing despite the long time since comments were posted last. That's okay. I still feel it's important for me to get my feelings out even if they are repetitive and illogical. I know he did me wrong-repeatedly and incessantly. I know I would be better off, that he's mentally ill and treats me badly. But he's still my husband and I still love him despite the fact that it would be much easier on me if I didn't.
I don't know what I'm going to do once student teaching is over and I'm not busy any more and I'll have a lot of time to think about being miserable.

Ow ow ow.

My tailbone is bruised. It hurts to change position- either get up from sitting or to sit down, and it hurts to go up stairs, and hurts a little to walk. I bruised it sitting down on the seat belt clicker accidentally when I was crawling in my passenger door and scooting across to my driver's seat.

This is the gift that keeps on giving. I can't wait to see what will happen next week.

The Perils of Penelope Pitstop, vol. 17

When last we met, Penelope Pitstop was recovering from the economic hit she had taken when she visited the mechanic for a flat tire last week that resulted in over 200 dollars worth of work on her car and enjoying the fixed single toilet in her house that had finally stopped flooding the living room underneath it.

In this latest adventure, Penelope, a clever alias for our heroine blueclio, is in the process of leaving her house at 6:30 am in order to teach the lesson which she had hurriedly prepared the night before. This lesson was created when a previous lesson, structured around a video, had fallen through at the last minute due to no fault of her own, and written after she got back from her evening class. She had stayed up late writing the lesson, and she needed to get to school early in order to prepare it.

Penelope's lunch was swinging from her left hand as she opened the back seat on the driver's side to put her bag and her books in the back seat. Her hands now empty, she unlocked the driver's door and grabbed the handle. The door opened three inches and stopped. Penelope rubbed her eyes, perplexed. She tried to open the door again, and once again, it would not budge past three inches.

She looked closely at the car. It was still dark outside, and in the dim streetlight she hadn't noticed that her car was sporting a brand new and huge dent in between the door and the wheel well.

Because she had written the lesson at the last minute, she could not call her supervising teacher and rely on him to teach it. Thus she had no time to waste. Penelope climbed into her car via the passenger door, scooted across the front, and sat her tailbone squarely and roughly on the seat belt buckle.

It was the beginning of another wonderful day.

>>>If someone knows who stole my kharma, could you tell them I'd like it back?

Friday. Phew.

2 down, 8 to go. This student teaching thing is going quickly. And Monday, three of the classes are mine alone. It's a little scary. It's a lot overwhelming.
Do I really want to do this?
Yesterday was a rough day. Had a lot to do, accidentally made another teacher mad. I really needed some support. The kind a spouse and best friend would give. I'm tired of coming home every night to be alone and spend most of the night ignoring my dog by doing schoolwork. It's not just the school work either. It's the ALONE. After 11-13 hours gone during the day, I really don't have the time or the energy to leave and seek out company either. And I don't have close friends yet, just acquaintances so far. Close friends take time. Even then, they don't replace my husband.
I ate half lunches most of the week because I didn't realize I was out of some stuff. I don't have the time to go to the grocery Mon-Thurs. I have to make sure all the bills are paid, moneywise, and getting the stamp on the bill-wise all by myself. I have to do all the cleaning, including the cleaning up after husband when he comes over to remodel. I spend too much of my free time every other day or so washing dishes. (I am the dishwasher in this house.) I have to cook all the food. I don't get a day off from taking out the dogs, and must spend an extra 30 minutes a day taking them out (which would be 15 if he were here.) Doing this all by myself is exhausting! The last time I lived alone, there wasn't as much upkeep, weren't as many bills, etc.
Here's to a restful (if homework filled) weekend.