Netflix didn't admit it, but I wouldn't be surprised. I often feel like Blockbuster online doesn't send out a new movie to me fast enough, and it seems to be more often when I'm watching movies faster. I usually blame it on the inadequacies of the postal service, however.
Personal life- that's still as shaky as jello in San Fran I'm sad to say. Ran into husband in public recently while he was with his too-close-for-my own taste female friend. Fun. Left me shaky and wondering once again if on top of everything else, he has been unfaithful.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Errr...
Yes, we don't use hard torture....
Hope everyone's day is going better than mine.
Have a happy Thanksgiving! Don't overeat, it is harder to take off the weight than to never gain it in the first place.
Hope everyone's day is going better than mine.
Have a happy Thanksgiving! Don't overeat, it is harder to take off the weight than to never gain it in the first place.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Rough Night
Things have been good on this month's scale- that is, on the scale of crying so hard I can't breathe to being just plain miserable- lately, but I did get a little down last night. I don't like the upbeat casual way he speaks to me over the phone, as if I'm some high school acquaintance that happened to run into him at the mall. I'm his wife, and he's creating a whole new life of his own in which he can cut me completely out and have no one to complain about him spending too much money or ignoring me to the point where I have to request that he spend one night a week with me.
I don't like this waiting. Personally, I think space is for people too chicken to just make that final break, but it's not like we were dating. We are married. We've been together almost nine years- pretty much the entirety of my adulthood (and his extended childhood, I might add....)That should mean something. Instead, while he's living it up on his own and ignoring me and our marriage completely I get to wait to see if he deems me worthy of his effort to work on the relationship.
There's so much more to complain about, to go into, but it's best left to something more private even than an anonymous blog.
This week is going to be hard. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And I don't even know when he's going to talk to me about something serious again. And his birthday is fairly soon-
Ugh. I wish that my life could be more about something other than him right now, but it's hard. With so much going on with work and school I don't have a lot of time left to do something other than make it through each day- which includes planning for a future that may or may not be with him, and to make sure the bills keep getting paid whether or not he can continue to contribute to our shared household expenses. On the other hand, if I wasn't as busy as I am, I'd probably have a harder time because I'd need to fill it with activities and people that would keep my mind off him. While this may be fairly self evident to anyone reading this, the problems with this option are rife. Most activities cost some money. There are a limited number of cheap or free things to do, especially once the sun sets. And since I haven't seen a dime from him this month, in fact he did his best to drain our joint account, I am unsure whether I will be able to afford both gasoline and 2 meals a day next month. So even cheap is a problem.
Well, here's to the hope that today will be better.
I don't like this waiting. Personally, I think space is for people too chicken to just make that final break, but it's not like we were dating. We are married. We've been together almost nine years- pretty much the entirety of my adulthood (and his extended childhood, I might add....)That should mean something. Instead, while he's living it up on his own and ignoring me and our marriage completely I get to wait to see if he deems me worthy of his effort to work on the relationship.
There's so much more to complain about, to go into, but it's best left to something more private even than an anonymous blog.
This week is going to be hard. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And I don't even know when he's going to talk to me about something serious again. And his birthday is fairly soon-
Ugh. I wish that my life could be more about something other than him right now, but it's hard. With so much going on with work and school I don't have a lot of time left to do something other than make it through each day- which includes planning for a future that may or may not be with him, and to make sure the bills keep getting paid whether or not he can continue to contribute to our shared household expenses. On the other hand, if I wasn't as busy as I am, I'd probably have a harder time because I'd need to fill it with activities and people that would keep my mind off him. While this may be fairly self evident to anyone reading this, the problems with this option are rife. Most activities cost some money. There are a limited number of cheap or free things to do, especially once the sun sets. And since I haven't seen a dime from him this month, in fact he did his best to drain our joint account, I am unsure whether I will be able to afford both gasoline and 2 meals a day next month. So even cheap is a problem.
Well, here's to the hope that today will be better.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Sleepy
I have a lot of things to do tomorrow. But, lucky me, I finally get a day at home! After working or being in class for all but 3 days this semester (including weekends) I can take a day to rest- and finish all that homework I haven't had the time to do during the busy-ness.
Looking forward to not working weekends any more- just a few more weeks. If I can save enough money, I'd like to do so many things- take guitar lessons again, yoga, an obedience class for my doggy. Most important, I'd just like to not have to work every weekend!
I have no idea what's happening with the marriage. Trying not to think about it too much at this point. Have to get through the next couple of weeks first. I have a ton of papers and projects to finish by the end of the first week in December.
I broke down and turned the heat up a notch, despite the possibility of not being able to afford it. My house is now a toasty 54 degrees Fahrenheit, where it was previously a chilling 52 degrees. May not seem like a huge difference to you, but I sure can feel it.
Well, the sleepiness will convince me to sleep sometime soon. Probably no one's reading, but writing helps somewhat anyway. It feels nice to find words for things, classify them, write them down. It makes the pain more manageable somehow.
Looking forward to not working weekends any more- just a few more weeks. If I can save enough money, I'd like to do so many things- take guitar lessons again, yoga, an obedience class for my doggy. Most important, I'd just like to not have to work every weekend!
I have no idea what's happening with the marriage. Trying not to think about it too much at this point. Have to get through the next couple of weeks first. I have a ton of papers and projects to finish by the end of the first week in December.
I broke down and turned the heat up a notch, despite the possibility of not being able to afford it. My house is now a toasty 54 degrees Fahrenheit, where it was previously a chilling 52 degrees. May not seem like a huge difference to you, but I sure can feel it.
Well, the sleepiness will convince me to sleep sometime soon. Probably no one's reading, but writing helps somewhat anyway. It feels nice to find words for things, classify them, write them down. It makes the pain more manageable somehow.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Life Sucks and Other Understatements
He was moving out this time last week when I was in class. I got home and found a message on the answering machine. No warning, he's just gone. And he's patting himself on the back for alienating his family and friends.
Things have been pretty rough. He wrote a lot of checks out of the joint account and hasn't contributed a red cent to any of the joint household bills for this month. His name is on the mortgage, too. And I don't make enough money to pay all the bills by myself. I will not get an extra job to pay for his new bachelor pad.
I've moved past the point where I have to sing showtunes in my head to keep from crying in public, but I'm still wallowing in pain.
Any logical person would have left him years ago. I've done so much for him, and his reaction is that he resents those choices of mine, telling me I should have only made choices for myself. I don't understand what his definition of marriage is- that we should have gone on leading separate lives under the same roof? I shouldn't have considered taking a second job to pay his bills and instead allowed us to sink into bankruptcy? I should have been able to sustain a romantic passion for him despite the fact that I had to beg to get him to spend one weekend night a week with me?
I wish I had a magic wand that could fix everything. Or that I had won the big lottery jackpot a little while ago. Instead I'm going to have to figure out how I can pay to heat my house to 54 degrees (Fahrenheit) while continuing to eat this winter. And get my house ready to sell so I can move in with my parents. I love my parents, but that's not exactly a fun option. I wish the pain would go away.
Things have been pretty rough. He wrote a lot of checks out of the joint account and hasn't contributed a red cent to any of the joint household bills for this month. His name is on the mortgage, too. And I don't make enough money to pay all the bills by myself. I will not get an extra job to pay for his new bachelor pad.
I've moved past the point where I have to sing showtunes in my head to keep from crying in public, but I'm still wallowing in pain.
Any logical person would have left him years ago. I've done so much for him, and his reaction is that he resents those choices of mine, telling me I should have only made choices for myself. I don't understand what his definition of marriage is- that we should have gone on leading separate lives under the same roof? I shouldn't have considered taking a second job to pay his bills and instead allowed us to sink into bankruptcy? I should have been able to sustain a romantic passion for him despite the fact that I had to beg to get him to spend one weekend night a week with me?
I wish I had a magic wand that could fix everything. Or that I had won the big lottery jackpot a little while ago. Instead I'm going to have to figure out how I can pay to heat my house to 54 degrees (Fahrenheit) while continuing to eat this winter. And get my house ready to sell so I can move in with my parents. I love my parents, but that's not exactly a fun option. I wish the pain would go away.
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