Weekend: Part Two

I have been having a really low key weekend. The most of it has mainly been reading magazines (Jane, Runner's World, and Yoga Journal), cleaning my house while dancing around to good music, walking both of my large dogs in the park (they aren't hard to control, the problem was their leashes kept getting tangled together) and watching Buffy dvds. I finished season three and am onto season four for the third time through.

I am still on an Academy Awards blackout. I know who won best picture (couldn't block it out that much) but I want to watch some of the movies that have recently come out on video before watching the awards. It's more fun when you've seen more of the movies.

It's a pity the weather will be turning back to the thirties again on Monday. It's been so nice here in the seventies this weekend. It should be agains the law for the weather to get this nice this late in winter without staying this way.

Back to Jane and Buffy. I'm watching the Thanksgiving episode, "Pangs." Darcy is lying on her back with her legs in the air and my tea scenting candle is burning giving my slightly more cleaned room a nice scent.

Wanted:

A good man, interested in a serious relationship.
Someone who doesn't lie.
A frugal man, but not afraid to spend some money on me to show me he cares.
Someone who respects my opinions, even if they are sometimes about silly tv shows.
Someone who does half of the housework.
Someone who calls when he's running over 20 minutes late.
Someone who likes dogs. Particularly my dogs.
Someone who takes care of himself.
Someone who likes to read, and won't make fun of me (too seriously) for my taste in movies.
Someone who is loyal.
Someone who will talk to me when he has a problem.
Someone who will talk to me about nothing if I feel like hearing his voice.
Someone who thinks I am beautiful, and smart, and will do my share of the paralell parking.
Someone who will find my conservative and corny Southern Baptist family amusing enough to commiserate with me, but not so much to insult them.
Someone who won't mind abstaining from alcohol when near my conservative Southern Baptist family.
A non-smoker, preferably someone who wouldn't mind sharing the occaisional slower run with me.
Someone who doesn't find a shaved head his hairstyle of choice.
Hey, if we're going that far, how about someone with a full head of hair.
Someone who likes pizza a lot. Or at least doesn't make fun of my near-obsession with it.
Someone who likes to travel, and will want to travel with me.
Someone who is willing to take things very slowly with a divorcing young woman mature beyond her years and patiently deal with her sore spots with money and trust.

Anyone know anyone like this?
Hoping that someone in particular fits the bill. We'll see.

Television- My Roommate.

I watch more television than I should. I really do. The problem is, I watch television when I'm bored and when I'm lonely, I watch more television when I'm stressed, and I watch even more television when I live alone. Suffice it to say, at this juncture in my life, I watch way too much television.

The problem is, I would rather have a more interesting and fufilling life than watch all my television. I would love to have tons of interesting friends and hobbies. However, I am scheduled within an inch of my life at the moment, and tv while doing my lesson planning and tv in odd lonely hours works for me right now. It takes time and money to make friends, establish hobbies. Time and money both being things I have in short supply.

I've heard it said that youth is wasted on the young. I say retirement and leisure is wasted on the old. I should be seeing the world and having a ball now instead of working my ass off for no money 60 hours a week. Through it all, at least I have my tv.

Countdown till my day off- three more days! Three more days until I can spend an entire day doing nothing of greater value than relaxing and having fun.

The Saga Continues

This week should be good- Friday I won't have teaching or class, and this means that I will have only 3 preps this week. And I will get an extra day free next weekend. Fun fun!

We move from the Renaissance into the Reformation this week. That should also be fun. I love the Reformation, though we probably won't get into the interesting sects that came from the reformation that believed that cursing was holy, or believed in group marriage....

Spent another few hours with the guy. Had a lot of fun. I still don't know whether it's a proto-dating thing or a friends-making thing. Oh well. It was kind of funny talking to him. We're definitely not two peas in a pod, but there are a lot of things we have in common. I kept agreeing with him and felt afraid I was coming off as too (ungenuinely) agreeable, even though I really did agree with what he was saying.

Both my dogs are here for the weekend. Darcy had a good birthday weekend, I hope. She got a long walk, a few bites of hamburger, and I sang happy birthday to her 3 times. I wonder which of the three things she appreciated the least!!! I can't believe my puppy is 5 years old.

I've decided that high school teaching is not for me. What is for me, or at least what I will do for money next year, is somewhat beyond me at the moment. Hopefully I'll have a little more time to figure it out in three weeks when I'm done teaching. I work way too hard at high school teaching and hate it too much to spend all that effort and time doing it.

I don't really know who I am anymore. I am trying to embrace that as something freeing instead of being scared at my loss of identity. My marriage and my cool house were pretty much the things I was most proud of in my life, and I always felt that as long as worthless husband loved me I could do anything for him. I know that's a precarious choice for an identity, but I do think that spouses should in part help to add to their partner's happiness levels. Too bad he didn't think so too.

I will try to post more than once this week. Just wait until 3 weeks from now when I'm done teaching- I'll probably be posting like crazy again on every topic from politics to love to the state of my belly button lint. I know I can't wait until I have the time to run more than once a week and do yoga, and do laundry and dishes on week nights.

Exhaustion and Grading

I didn't stay out too late last night, but I was up about 2 hours later than usual. Went to bed at 12:45 insead of 10:30. Since I usually get up at 5:30, those extra hours really took a lot out of me. Although I guess I really rather would have preferred to have been in the arms of a rather attractive man that I had been hanging out with earlier in the evening.

I still don't know whether or not this is a thing- whether it's a nascent friendship or possible romance. But do I wish it was a romance. He's gorgeous, and funny, frugal, and intelligent. And active. Of course, I have never been known to be a party girl and he is quite the man about town. All these low self esteem issues make me think I don't have much to offer in comparison to the much tighter asses of the undergrads he usually hangs out with.

There were a few times last night that I wanted him so much it felt like a cavity in my teeth. I haven't felt like that in a long time, and I don't remember ever feeling that way about my husband. Mainly because I knew when I wanted him, he was fairly accessible. It was all about when I wanted him. Now here I am, wondering about someone else and hoping to God that he's attracted to me while also telling myself constantly that even if he is, I need to take this really slowly.

Worthless husband and I started dating in high school. We had dated over two years by the time we had taken things to the next physical level. That worked for me then- I was a teenager, then a young twenty-something college student. And we were planning to be married, and we did get married. Which I don't regret- I think all of this would have turned out much differently if not for the schizophrenia. But the sz is there, and so is the situation. And I'm starting to deal with it all. I really am. This week was rough in the student teaching, but I am starting to feel much differently about the ending marriage.

I don't know how to play this dating game though, if we might be or be on the way to dating. It was different in high school and college, and seeing the same people in your dating pool day in or day out. Last week we had another plan to go to another event that was being held at the graduate school for this week, and now that it's over, I'm not sure when to call, or what to say, or when to try and get together again. The last two evenings were scheduled the way they were around events that we both wanted to go to, and probably would have gone to anyway but appreciated the company. And we made plans to meet beforehand each evening. He said we should get together again, but there aren't any such events on the calendar so there's no ready made plans. And in about 2 weeks he's going to be out of town for a little while. So I don't know if it would be pushing it to try to see him next weekend since he'll be out of town the next, or if I should wait until after he gets back from his trip in 3 weeks. I don't want to wait that long, but I don't know how the game really works, other than I should probably wait another couple of days before I contact him again.

I never thought I would be doing this. Other than being excruciating, it's kind of fun.

Don't worry about me dear readers, if you are out there. I am a very level headed and practical person, and I will not do anything rash. In fact, much of the time my biggest problem is that I don't take enough risks. The good kind, like risking that someone will say no when you're trying to ask them to do something with them in order to make new friends.

Cool music

I discovered Beulah about a year ago. I warmed up to them slowly, noticing over time as my launchcast radio station played that I rated more and more music by that band highly. Eventually, I downloaded one of their albums from emusic (a great independant download source that's legal and supports indie musicians) and looked up more information on the band.

I was sad to find out that they had broken up around the time I had started listening to them. I found that I still had several more of their albums to download and listen to and enjoy, but it was sad to know that the were over right as I had found them. Kind of like discovering a new (but dead) author that you enjoy immensely. The end of their oevre is well in sight and each song (or poem or novel) is more precious and painful because there is no new piece in the wings waiting to fill my hunger for new material.

So I'm rocking out to Beulah tonight and hoping that my favorite bands will last a long, long time.
If you haven't checked them out yet, I recommend you start with "The Coast is Never Clear."

Another Week

This has been a week. Class was tough- student teaching is hard. I was a people pleaser and a grade chaser when I was in high school, and most of my students don't have that motivation. It's hard to figure out how to get them to do the stuff they need to do to get the grades, to pass the class.

On the other hand, I went to a concert this week with an attractive male acquaintance (let's call him John). The concert was great, and I don't know exactly what's going on with the acquaintance but I'm happy enough just to make a new friend. I've spent so much time taking care of my husband and sacrificing for him, it will be nice for a change to have friends I can do things with, like my female friend- let's call her Becca.

I know that I'm not really in a good place for a more serious relationship, and friendships build slowly, but let's just say that I wouldn't be adverse to some slow building between myself and John. Who knows if he even feels that way himself- I have no radar whatsoever after being with the same man for a decade. But at least he wants to go out again this week. So I wasn't boring enough (as a future friend or otherwise) to not propose another outing....

Not to mention that during the evening's conversations, he talked fiscal responsibility. After all the second jobs and stealing I have encountered from my husband frugality really turns me on.

Yesterday when husband was over working on the house (I tried to be out most of the time he was here, but since he's not returning my phonecalls or emails about practical things such as money, the dogs, and the house I have to get him when I can) for about five minutes I thought that divorce couldn't be that bad after all he's put me through. That was the first time I've felt that way. Maybe things can move along to the upswing- I'm so tired of feeling sad, hurt, and rejected. I want to be young and carefree- at least one night a week. I've sacrificed myself and my happiness and youth for the last five years as I've dealt with a variety of avoidable and unavoidable tragedies- the two times husband lost his job, his diagnosis with schizophrena, his overspending problems, lots of things breaking in the house when I was working three jobs just to pay the NORMAL bills- I deserve to have fun once in a while.

Thursday night I had the best time I'd had in months. Maybe in over a year. I was out with an attractive guy, no matter what the meaning of that was, I was listening to a good band, I was jumping and dancing with the music and I was happy. Here's to finding that more often.

Alone

I haven't been writing as much. Partially because I have very little time while I'm student teaching, partially because I feel I'm writing pretty much the same things day after day. Rough day, busy, depressed, miss my husband who did me wrong. I feel like a country song- and I much prefer bluegrass.
This weekend I've managed to keep from sliding into the abyss of depression I usually sink into around 4 pm on Friday and can't manage to slip out of until sometime Monday or Tuesday. The depression this weekend was still there, but only skimming the surface.
Wish I had more time to spend with my dog. Wish that I was spending this weekend with my husband instead of by myself.
I'm still writing despite the long time since comments were posted last. That's okay. I still feel it's important for me to get my feelings out even if they are repetitive and illogical. I know he did me wrong-repeatedly and incessantly. I know I would be better off, that he's mentally ill and treats me badly. But he's still my husband and I still love him despite the fact that it would be much easier on me if I didn't.
I don't know what I'm going to do once student teaching is over and I'm not busy any more and I'll have a lot of time to think about being miserable.

Ow ow ow.

My tailbone is bruised. It hurts to change position- either get up from sitting or to sit down, and it hurts to go up stairs, and hurts a little to walk. I bruised it sitting down on the seat belt clicker accidentally when I was crawling in my passenger door and scooting across to my driver's seat.

This is the gift that keeps on giving. I can't wait to see what will happen next week.

The Perils of Penelope Pitstop, vol. 17

When last we met, Penelope Pitstop was recovering from the economic hit she had taken when she visited the mechanic for a flat tire last week that resulted in over 200 dollars worth of work on her car and enjoying the fixed single toilet in her house that had finally stopped flooding the living room underneath it.

In this latest adventure, Penelope, a clever alias for our heroine blueclio, is in the process of leaving her house at 6:30 am in order to teach the lesson which she had hurriedly prepared the night before. This lesson was created when a previous lesson, structured around a video, had fallen through at the last minute due to no fault of her own, and written after she got back from her evening class. She had stayed up late writing the lesson, and she needed to get to school early in order to prepare it.

Penelope's lunch was swinging from her left hand as she opened the back seat on the driver's side to put her bag and her books in the back seat. Her hands now empty, she unlocked the driver's door and grabbed the handle. The door opened three inches and stopped. Penelope rubbed her eyes, perplexed. She tried to open the door again, and once again, it would not budge past three inches.

She looked closely at the car. It was still dark outside, and in the dim streetlight she hadn't noticed that her car was sporting a brand new and huge dent in between the door and the wheel well.

Because she had written the lesson at the last minute, she could not call her supervising teacher and rely on him to teach it. Thus she had no time to waste. Penelope climbed into her car via the passenger door, scooted across the front, and sat her tailbone squarely and roughly on the seat belt buckle.

It was the beginning of another wonderful day.

>>>If someone knows who stole my kharma, could you tell them I'd like it back?

Friday. Phew.

2 down, 8 to go. This student teaching thing is going quickly. And Monday, three of the classes are mine alone. It's a little scary. It's a lot overwhelming.
Do I really want to do this?
Yesterday was a rough day. Had a lot to do, accidentally made another teacher mad. I really needed some support. The kind a spouse and best friend would give. I'm tired of coming home every night to be alone and spend most of the night ignoring my dog by doing schoolwork. It's not just the school work either. It's the ALONE. After 11-13 hours gone during the day, I really don't have the time or the energy to leave and seek out company either. And I don't have close friends yet, just acquaintances so far. Close friends take time. Even then, they don't replace my husband.
I ate half lunches most of the week because I didn't realize I was out of some stuff. I don't have the time to go to the grocery Mon-Thurs. I have to make sure all the bills are paid, moneywise, and getting the stamp on the bill-wise all by myself. I have to do all the cleaning, including the cleaning up after husband when he comes over to remodel. I spend too much of my free time every other day or so washing dishes. (I am the dishwasher in this house.) I have to cook all the food. I don't get a day off from taking out the dogs, and must spend an extra 30 minutes a day taking them out (which would be 15 if he were here.) Doing this all by myself is exhausting! The last time I lived alone, there wasn't as much upkeep, weren't as many bills, etc.
Here's to a restful (if homework filled) weekend.

Almost Dreamland

I woke up around 3:20 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to make the most of my time and snuggly Darcy, my shared custody dog. I still didn't feel sleepy so I watched some tv and loved on my girls. I drifted off to sleep about 20 minutes before my alarm went off at 5:50.

Somewhere before sleep but when I was not quite awake I thought I felt another person in bed with me. I knew, in the strange way that you know things in dreams, that it was my husband. He laid alongside me and put his arm around me. I could feel the hair on his hand. I could feel his weight against my body. It felt so real. It wasn't a dream in that there was a particular scenario going on. I still knew he had left me, and I had no questions as to why he was in bed holding me. I was thankful that he was there and I felt that there would be a time for questions later.

This vision has haunted me all day long. It's made me cry a few times, in short bursts. I almost had a panic attack while my students were taking a test. It's really quite cruel. It's hard to escape the pain all day long, and have to be attacked by my subconcious as well?

At least I'll have plenty to discuss with my counselor tomorrow.

Am I Now the Man?

I had to watch over study hall for the first time by myself on Friday. The previous day, this study hall made the teacher in charge practically cry. I looked forward to the hour with trepidation.

The point of study hall is to actually study, though the students also can read for fun. The students aren't supposed to talk, or to sleep. I asked a student, who was putting his head down, if he had something else to work on. Student A, let's call him Fillbert, had a snit fit. Because of their behavior the previous day, they were on notice that they got one warning and then detention. Fillbert had already gotten his warning at the beginning of the hour. And thus I gave my first detention.

Fillbert attempted to play upon my sympathies, asking me why I had to be like that, couldn't I give him a break, and it really did make me feel bad. I don't know how many countless classes I wanted to sleep through in high school. But I knew if I backed down, Fillbert and the rest of the troublesome class were going to lose respect for me and my discipline for the rest of the semester. And it worked. He didn't give me any trouble for the rest of the hour.

I am the Man. Stay on task or I will give you a detention. I have the power.

Do Dates Have Meaning?

In honor of my recent birthday. Not sure much of it is true, but fairly fun.

Your Birthdate: January 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist. A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around. You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you. You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people. Your strength: Your devotion Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness Your power color: Lilac Your power symbol: Heart Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Pardon Me

But I just discovered blogthings.com. I may put way too many of these cute little survey results on the blog since I'm not feeling creative enough to come up with much interesting new material of my own. I could tell the story of the first detention that I gave out in school yesterday. Or my review of Must Love Dogs, a movie about two newly divorced folks looking for love. Or maybe about my new Kohl's clearance Oscar the Grouch jammies. (See, my favorite book when I was a toddler was How to Be a Grouch By Oscar the Grouch).

But see, I don't feel really much like telling any of those stories tonight. So if one of those stories sounds spine-tinglingly interesting to you, then you'll just have to wait on the edge of your seats until tomorrow or the next day.

Right now what I really want to do is to try and enjoy my movie, my jammies, and my new flannel sheets that I got at rock bottom prices, and my visit from dog 2, Darcy. So I will. So there.

P. S. Cat Power's new cd was worth the wait.
P.P.S. I'm trying to think of a name for my new jade plant. Herbert? Roger? Spike?
P.P.P.S. I'm not reading anything right now besides my school planning stuff. But I did finish the book on Buffy.

Not a Surprise.

Hmmm... could this be me?

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

Without a Pot to Piss in... Literally

The title doesn't refer to my aforementioned money problems. Though those are fun. I mean, really. My heating bill was massive last month and the house is freezing. My shampoo is sitting on the bathroom window sill and it is literally frozen. Between class and student teaching and my birthday dinner, I've hardly been home twenty minutes this week. My husband is avoiding my calls and my emails about practical details (he has not paid the car payment for his car this month, which my name is also on....) did not wish me a happy birthday (nor is it a surprise, but still), and I have to teach a lesson tomorrow on a topic I know nothing about. I have done dishes, not had enough time to clean up the mess husband left when plastering Sunday afternoon (I cleaned up after myself when I spent the last 2 days priming and painting, but he works 3 hours one Sunday and forgets how to use a broom or vacuum), and am pretty much out of clean underwear. I should be asleep right now, because I have to get up in another 7 hours.
But the climax of my whole evening- and the connection to the title- my toilet now floods the bathroom and leaks through the living room ceiling upon flushing!!!!
I was looking forward to spending a few uninterrupted hours here tomorrow afternoon since I don't have to stay after school or go to class. Hours I could wash my clothes, wash my dishes, clean up after the remodelling, run (which I must admit, sometimes sends me to the bathroom) and watch a little tv while doing my homework and snuggling my dog. But am I going to do that? No- I'm going to have to camp out with my parents. Admittedly, it's warmer, but I just want to be home!!! The packing alone will leech too much time from my afternoon.
Well, I'm crazy if I stay up writing this any longer instead of sleeping. Wish or pray for my sanity, based on your own personal belief system. I'll need it.

I'm Older Than I've Ever Been and Now I'm Even Older

Today wasn't a terrible day. Listened to some good music. Spent another day student teaching. I'm really busy... class last night, dinner with my parents in honor of my birth tonight, and class tomorrow.... I need to vacuum and wash dishes but I've hardly been home. I feel sorry for my poor dog. She's hardly seen me this week.

One of my favorite bands is gonna be in town next month. I'm really excited that I will get to see them, and I've actually heard of their opening act, too. What luck! Husband also likes them, but I don't want to ruin my evening. I think I might forget to tell him they're in town. And just happen to be wearing a t-shirt from the show when he drops Darcy off for a visit. "Oh," I'll say, so innocently, "I didn't tell you they're in town? I must have forgot. It was a great show."

I don't want to ruin my evening with him there. It's a small venue. I don't think I'm being petty.

I'm still pretty depressed but I vowed to not think about it today, so there. I'm going to push the worry and pain out of my mind for at least another three hours, and I'll be too busy to think of it again before Thursday evening.

Down Day

Today's been one of those down days. I am pretty sad and hurt and angry and don't have really a lot to do with that except pour it out here. Everyone who would listen to me is tired of hearing about this. You all probably are too, but bear with me.
It's my birthday on Tuesday and my only birthday wish is that my husband would come home to be with me, and tell me that everything is going to be all right. Instead, I will probably spend the evening alone doing my homework.
My world is not right. I carry the pain with me daily, and sometimes it's no heavier a burden than a pendant hanging off my neck. Other times it is a millstone that drags me down to the earth with each step, reminding me constantly how miserable my life is and how little the person who said he would love, honor, and cherish me forever actually cares for me.
If it wasn't for my dog, I'd want to die. I can't really imagine my life ever being happy again.

The Late Twenties

Reading: Sex and the Slayer, a book about the gender politics of Buffy.
Watching: The first two seasons of Moonlighting on DVD. I watched it as a child, but at the time I didn't know the facts of life, so I missed a ton of the jokes.
Can't wait: for a new eppy of Veronica Mars and the new CD by Cat Power that comes out next week- on my b-day. The day which I will officially enter my (drum roll) late twenties.

Now I know I will not be ancient by reaching my late twenties, but it has me down a little bit. I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. You can piss away your early twenties, and spend your mid twenties paying your dues, but now that I am reaching my late twenties I feel I should have at least some results to show for the hard work I've been putting in for the last decade.

Score card:
Career- Student teacher and graduate student. No benefits and barely a living wage at 60 hours a week.

Marital Status: deserted

Parenthood Status: No kids. None in the near future, despite the five year marriage. Custody of one dog full time, and part time custody of my other dog, if that counts.

Living arrangements: Living with aforementioned canines, no humans. Preparing to sell my house to move into (shudder) my parents' basement.

What I have to show for my life: a couple of college degrees. My car is paid off....

This is more depressing than I'd intended.
It was a long day and I'm sleepy, so I hope you'll forgive me. And I have a scratchy throat. And I sat through many boring hours of eduspeak today at student teacher orientation.