My Crazy Twisted Fantasies

I have a problem, I must admit. When I give myself over to a daydream I have to force it into semi-practical constraints. I can’t imagine farfetched scenarios for very long before the Spock in me forces my psyche to mold that fantasy into something that is more attainable. Hence my fantasies take the short bus to school.

I’ll give you an example by explaining a little game I sometimes play in my head when I’m bored at work or the victim of that pernicious fiend, Sunday night insomnia- Hollywood Boyfriend.

Hollywood Boyfriend operates under a variety of rules and guidelines. Some of them include:

1. Hollywood Boyfriend must, of course, be good looking.
That’s fairly obvious, though there are special points given to men who have made me laugh so hard I cried somewhere in their body of work.

2. Hollywood Boyfriend, in most cases, cannot be married in real life.
This rule is a little bit crazy, seeing that I’m only seeing Hollywood Boyfriend in a daydream capacity only. I once revealed this rule to my sister, who replied to me that Hollywood marriages generally don’t last very long, I should still be able to have a presently married Hollywood Boyfriend that is unmarried in the fantasy… I still can’t seem to break this rule very often, though. I wouldn’t want the fantasy guilt of being the fantasy cause of David Boreanaz’s fantasy divorce. He has a kid!

3. Hollywood Boyfriend cannot be a cheating louse- no matter how pretty he is.
Sorry Jude Law! You can’t change a man in real life, so even my fantasies don’t include magically making a cad into a Clio-worshipping, overly-respectful new man.

4. Hollywood Boyfriend cannot be too close in age to my parents.
That is, unless I have a time machine. In that case, however, I’m far more likely to be a young starlet in the 1930s or 40s dating Cary Grant (one of those years when he wasn’t married, of course) than hanging out with John Travolta in the seventies. I do have my time-travelling standards.

5. Hollywood Boyfriend is far more likely to be a television star or a B-list movie actor than an A-List star.
Why is this, do you ask? Because how likely am I, a normal though fairly attractive and intelligent midwesterner, to get the attention of an A-Lister? Sure, this question is just as likely for the slightly less famous set as well, but somehow that doesn’t matter as much. Then again, rule 4 above eliminates a great deal of men in the A-List set so maybe this rule is superfluous.

I know that laying bare my weird daydream rules will reveal me as the nutty and sometimes perfectionist freak that I am. Eh.

So, who is my present Hollywood Boyfriend? After discovering that Tom Everett Scott and Jason Dohring are both married, I’d have to say that I’m presently looking for a new one. Does anyone know if Brandon Routh, the new Superman, is married?