Back in the Saddle

I've been spending some time reading some of my favorite blogs and I decided that I needed to post a better update, since I have been gone for over a month.

I'm really feeling for cmhl. She's been going through a rough time and seems to be coping fairly well at this point. I really feel for her and understand in some ways what she's going through. Yes, she's a decade older than me and has 2 kids, but I too am struggling to cope with a marriage that was less than stellar. I too had a hubby that allowed me to (or required me to) do everything to keep the house going, to keep the bills getting paid on time, etc. Who didn't seem to recognize that his actions had an impact on people other than himself. And he continues to do so as I make a fourth mortgage payment by myself.

I hope that everything works out for the best for her, but I have come to the realization that the best, for me, has nothing to do with the man I've spent the last decade with. Now I just have to get the resolve to make it legal.

I still miss the person he was, the friend he used to be to me. I don't think that at this point I could ever forgive him enough to live with him again unless he could take back all the crap he's put me through since he left that message on our answering machine almost six months ago telling me he was leaving.

A couple of days ago I was feeling bad, depressed about how terrible a person I must be if my husband can't even love me, and I realized something that made me feel proud of myself. I've made it through hell.

My great-grandmother died, and hubby left 2 weeks later over the machine. He was hospitalized a little later. I've paid for almost all our bills while cutting back on my work hours to student teach. I kept my heat at 52 and still paid over 200 a month. My toilet broke, my car was hit in front of my house overnight. No one left a note. I bruised my tail bone. I unexpectedly had to buy two new tires. I hated student teaching- I operated on 5 hours of sleep most nights, and worked at teaching and planning and grading from sun up to 11 pm. Hubby stole money from my bank account, on the same day I discovered he'd been ordering flowers. Hubby had committed to take the dogs out 2 nights a week (when I had night class and was gone from home for 14 hour days) and forgot/didn't make alternate arrangements 4 times. I've cleaned up the messes he left in the house. Washed dishes he left dirty and taken recycling he collected to the recycle center. I almost broke my knee being pulled after a squirrel at the park. I broke out in hives (don't know why) and my eyes and throat started to swell shut.

I only have guaranteed employment for another 6 weeks and my house is not ready to put on the market. Hubby owes me more money than he makes in 3 months, and he is screwing with my credit as well- not paying car payments for his car (I cosigned) while I struggle to pay all our bills by myself. He won't even reply to my emails about the house or the dogs most of the time.

I am starting to feel a little down after rehashing this. But the point of it all is that I have made it through. I survived all of this without doing something tragic, which I definitely thought about from time to time.

I am making a wish list for myself. I have a dream condo village I want to live in. I would have a one car garage and a fenced area for my dogs. I would have more than one toilet (seems good after the days without one), and a full sized closet (my house is over 100 years old. 2 half closets do not make a whole). It has tennis courts, a walking path, and swimming pools. It's much closer to my dream job than I live now. It would be mine. Entirely mine. As would my paycheck. No longer will I have to live in fear of discovering new secret credit cards, thousands more dollars of electronics purchased for hubby's personal pleasure, and know that I am working all weekend long to pay for his leisure.

I was cleaning and packing up more stuff this week, and found more fast food credit card receipts than before. It's nice to know that when I was stretching the budget eating 80 cents worth of sandwiches and carrots daily he could charge 13 dollars to the sub shop or to Burger King.

But that is a tangent, and this is not what I meant to say. I meant to say that I am trying, but the healing comes slowly.