Rough Night

Things have been good on this month's scale- that is, on the scale of crying so hard I can't breathe to being just plain miserable- lately, but I did get a little down last night. I don't like the upbeat casual way he speaks to me over the phone, as if I'm some high school acquaintance that happened to run into him at the mall. I'm his wife, and he's creating a whole new life of his own in which he can cut me completely out and have no one to complain about him spending too much money or ignoring me to the point where I have to request that he spend one night a week with me.
I don't like this waiting. Personally, I think space is for people too chicken to just make that final break, but it's not like we were dating. We are married. We've been together almost nine years- pretty much the entirety of my adulthood (and his extended childhood, I might add....)That should mean something. Instead, while he's living it up on his own and ignoring me and our marriage completely I get to wait to see if he deems me worthy of his effort to work on the relationship.
There's so much more to complain about, to go into, but it's best left to something more private even than an anonymous blog.
This week is going to be hard. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And I don't even know when he's going to talk to me about something serious again. And his birthday is fairly soon-
Ugh. I wish that my life could be more about something other than him right now, but it's hard. With so much going on with work and school I don't have a lot of time left to do something other than make it through each day- which includes planning for a future that may or may not be with him, and to make sure the bills keep getting paid whether or not he can continue to contribute to our shared household expenses. On the other hand, if I wasn't as busy as I am, I'd probably have a harder time because I'd need to fill it with activities and people that would keep my mind off him. While this may be fairly self evident to anyone reading this, the problems with this option are rife. Most activities cost some money. There are a limited number of cheap or free things to do, especially once the sun sets. And since I haven't seen a dime from him this month, in fact he did his best to drain our joint account, I am unsure whether I will be able to afford both gasoline and 2 meals a day next month. So even cheap is a problem.
Well, here's to the hope that today will be better.